I have been trying to start the chapter about my Dad, Carl Nericcio. There is so much to say, that I've decided to do it in small parts.
As some of you might know, he passed away a few years ago just after his birthday, at the age of 88. It was the closing weekend of Devotion 2008.
This morning as I was sorting through some of his things, I came across his driver's license and a hand written combination to a lock. I decided to use them to start an ancestor altar in my house. As I was setting it up, the thought came to me, "I wish we could try again, so I could weather the storm with you."
Our relationship was fractured, due to lots of things that will come to light in future posts. But suffice to say that when I was a child I was confused by his temper. Ever the Capricorn, I kept trying to figure out the pattern to his outbursts, so could stay out of the way. But there was no pattern, he was like a ball, ricocheting off any surface. There was no way to stay out of the way. It took more than 30 years for me to realize that he wasn't angry at me, (the ego gets involved even when it would be less painful to stay out of it!) he was just angry.
I try to live my life without regrets. I don't spend time wishing things could be different. But this morning I wanted to be able to go back in time, to a moment when he was raging and just stand there with him. If I could just put my little-girl hand into his and smile at him without being afraid or running away. Just be there to weather the storm.
3 comments:
I felt the same way about my mother, thank God that we did have a small chance when she knew her time was short. I feel that as long as there is unfinished business with the people we love, there will be an opportunity of making it good, in this world or the next. God has given us that assurance.
I was put through many forms of abuse as a child. To this day, I have a bipolar mother that I am still trying to work out my relationship with her and trying to forgive her for the past as well as the present. Now I have a child in this equation that needs a healthy relationship with her grandmother. I am a social worker and know that the things she says and anger my mom has is clinical and finally know it is not "me" she is angery at. It still hurts to hear your mom tell you things that are negative about yourself and it is really hard not to take it to heart. I have stuggled with self-esteem issues for years due to the verbal abuse. Dance has been my therapy for years and made me a stronger human being. I realize my mom can't help herself and it is a sickness, but I do know when to back down and walk away when she is in her mantic moods. I am so glad you are working through your relationship with your dad. You do understand you were only a child and you could not make it any better for him. Hiding away from the anger is what most children do and don't beat up your adult self for not stepping in. I look at my child abuse and know that I could not control my environment and I was just a child....a scared child. I believe it makes us who we are today. You are one of the strongest woman I know and your past made you who you are today. Keep working through this any way you see fit. I look forward to reading more about this.
my father had the patternless anger thing. but lucky me, he grew out of it, like a teenager coming of age. :)
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