21 June 2015

Father's Day

Here's a re-post of an entry from 2010..

I have been trying to start the chapter about my Dad, Carl Nericcio. There is so much to say, that I've decided to do it in small parts.
As some of you might know, he passed away a few years ago just after his birthday, at the age of 88. It was the closing weekend of Devotion 2008.
This morning as I was sorting through some of his things, I came across his driver's license and a hand written combination to a lock. I decided to use them to start an ancestor altar in my house. As I was setting it up, the thought came to me, "I wish we could try again, so I could weather the storm with you."
Our relationship was fractured, due to lots of things that will come to light in future posts. But suffice to say that when I was a child I was confused by his temper. Ever the Capricorn, I kept trying to figure out the pattern to his outbursts, so could stay out of the way. But there was no pattern, he was like a ball, ricocheting off any surface. There was no way to stay out of the way. It took more than 30 years for me to realize that he wasn't angry at me, (the ego gets involved even when it would be less painful to stay out of it!) he was just angry.
I try to live my life without regrets. I don't spend time wishing things could be different. But this morning I wanted to be able to go back in time, to a moment when he was raging and just stand there with him. If I could just put my little-girl hand into his and smile at him without being afraid or running away. Just be there to weather the storm.


Maria Carvalho said...

This post got me back!!!
In Brazil, Father's Day is in August. I lost my father at age 18, cancer took him in six months, he was only 43 years old. I spent about 10 years very angry at losing my father so soon. When my father was alive, I can not have a relationship with my mother, there was only room for him and the love I felt. It took losing it to realize that I had a wonderful mother. Anger passed, when I started with my dance (ATS, Flamenco, Circle Dance)!!! My son is the name of my father ... and when I dance sometimes take him with me. I hope that reconciliation is already in his heart as well.
Thanks for sharing

Kathrina said...

Deeply touching!

Nancy Young said...

Such a thoughtful post, Carolena. My father died 28 years ago. I still go back and forth between savoring the good times and aching to go back and love him better. My father was a gentle man. I am so sorry you had to endure a father's anger.

rhiannyn said...

xo <3
I'm sure his energy being knows how you feel, and that might give you both comfort.
Blessed Be