12 March 2010

Sleep in the middle of the bed

A few years ago, I made the decision to become single, again. This seems to be an on-going game of mine. I think I want a committed relationship, find a victim and push for matrimony. Then, when things start moving in towards the goal, I panic and run away. I think there are self-help books on the subject, but I don't want to read them. This time I finally realized that it was time to look at my behavior and possible desire to live alone.
After all, over the years I have acquired my own house, have a solo business which provides income that is deposited into my personal bank account and am quite capable of entertaining myself. I am, I realized, very happy on my own and can meet my own needs.
One thing though, I was concerned about flipping the mattress. When I had a partner there was someone on the other side of the bed. Now I sleep on the left side of the bed out of habit and ostensibly to be near the table that hold my books, iPhone and reading glasses. But this creates the problem of putting all the wear on only one side of the mattress.
So, I flip the mattress to move the potential "dent" from taking up residence in any one spot . On my own I can manage turning it side-to-side, but need help with top-to-bottom flips.
I woke very early the other morning, because my mind was talking to me. This happens when I particularly good idea or solution to an impasse is coming to fruition. My mind said, "Sleep in the middle of the bed." Still half asleep I dutifully scooched to the center of the mattress. It felt good.
I got up and went into the spare bedroom to fetch two extra pillows. I put those on the bed and got back in. It felt really good.
During the rest of the day I let my mind continue to talk to me about the situation. By the end of the day I realized that I have been, metaphorically, sleeping on one side of the bed for my whole life. I have been holding a space open for a partner, not fully forming my life so I would be able to compromise and flex when the time came to settle down.
The message my mind sent that morning was that it was time to move to the center of my own life. Hearing that gave me immense satisfaction and brought back the old saying, "Wisdom is accepting the obvious."

15 comments:

Herbatka said...

Hmmm - at my home the centre of the bed is reserved for my three cats - I guess it says much about how my life is oriented ;-PPP But I don't mind, neither does my partner - thank Goddess we've got a huge bed :-)))
I'm happy you've found an external manifestation of internal changes :-)

Carrie said...

Ahh the middle is the prrrrfect spot! It leaves one so much room to do their 'bed yoga'.

Passionista said...

I cannot thank you enough for this beautifully transparent blog you keep! Although we have never met, you dance, passion and wisdom inspire me greatly and-in this posting in particular- I feel kinship with you. I have definitely been metaphorically "sleeping on one side of the bed" my whole life... but unconsciously. I may continue to do so, but it is refreshing to understand the motivation and realize that I have a choice in this, as in all things :) Thank you!

JoY said...

That's brilliant. Thanks for sharing. I find when I am at home alone, I get sandwiched between my 95# Shepherd and my cat, (who has her own advanced skills at herding, as well). Makes for a toasty night... Maybe you need more pets. :)

Foodycat said...

Of course, you will probably now meet the absolutely perfect partner and live happily in a couple all the rest of your days!

I was thinking about the bed thing last weekend actually - I was down at Majma by myself, and was thinking that I would love the opportunity to have a big bed all to myself. But I still slept on the side and I even missed his snoring!

Carolena Nericcio said...

I think some of you are missing my point. I'm not looking for someone to fill the other half of the bed. I am enjoying my alone-ness and having the whole thing to myself!

Amy said...

Hmm, perhaps this is why, when my partner is gone, I end up smack dab in the middle of the bed with my limbs sprawled in all directions. I am, by nature, a solitary creature who has found herself in a long term relationship. It surprises me sometimes, and I still think of a lot of my life in terms of me and not us. Interesting things to think about.

I've often felt that people need to really feel good about being alone. Whether we stay single or end up partnered I think we need to be complete in ourselves no matter what comes later.

april said...

Lovely! I've been sleeping in the middle of the bed for a few years (and the cats have been trained to use the sides). I think it's the coziest way to sleep, and a nice metaphor for being cozy in our lives.

Fran said...

See I told ya you where confindent! being ok to just be YOU proves it!

Ginney said...

It is so funny that you wrote this because I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day who also has made the choice to be alone but she is not lonely! And that is the point! We have a society that makes you feel awkward at times for being okay with just being alone. I admire the completeness of a person who possess the power to do this. I have a partner that I adore don't get me wrong but the inner power to be on your own and happy --I wonder if I could ever achieve it. So I offer my CONGRATS!

paganation said...

Excellent! I am you are at home with yourself. :)

Leslie said...

I hesitate to say a whole lot because I'm not comfortable sharing details of my personal life and thoughts with the general public, so I will say this: your honesty gives me strength... consistently. And this blog and the things you post here, are all too often things I find myself reading over multiple times because, they are proof that I am not alone in many of my thoughts and feelings (this latest entry especially). I get it... and, though I have nobody to flip the mattress with, I still love having the entire bed to myself. It's why I got a Queen and not a Double. More room for me :)

oxox
-L

MissC said...

I too have taken over the WHOLE bed! Its mine alone to enjoy.But like you Carolena flipping it does become a chore that I have no doubt if anyone were watching they would think hilarious. But "I" do it. Its a comforting and empowering feeling I found deciding to be on my own and so totally happy with the decision and the process you came about making it!

rhiannyn [Lorraine] said...

So very, very true. I was exactly the same way. Four and a half years ago, at the demise of yet another relationship, I continued to sleep 'on my side' of the bed.
I'm not exactly sure when it happened, because it was not an epiphany such as yours, but I suddenly realized I was sprawling across the entire queen sized bed. It was marvelously freeing. I will never share again.
Being alone is a choice, and I like it.
So yes, HIGH FIVE, Ms. Carolena :)

Sammati said...

You know...I think a lot of women are living their perfectly full lives...yet secretly wondering when "their time" will be - when they will be the bride and wife and mother...
I know that is at least the case for me...
As I get older...I wonder if I will have that time? And I wonder if I am ok with it...
As you, I a prefectly happy with my life and its fullness...and its flexability and unaccountability to dependents.
But I, as many, have been raised to believe marriage and children are what I am "supposed" to do...
I do still have time...but it is getting short...Should I be panicing? Because...I am not.
I think I would be a happy wife and mom...
And I am happy now...
I think it is very good for women to realize in their hearts that we have choices...matrimony and motherhood are a noble calling...
As are many other lifestyle choices...
And choosing another path does not mean you are not "fit" for men (or women :))...but maybe the married life is not the right choice for you...or your destiny...
And this does not make you any less feminine or attractive...just an individual on their own path :) (Maybe *more* attractive to some...perhaps...people who are more likeminded :))

Carolena...you are mother to many children...you are mother to me...all of us in your Sisterhood...all of my students...and the global village of American tribal Style...
Personally, I envy you THAT motherhood :) and bless that you are in my ATS mother :)